How To Be A Racist

                  The most visible sort of racist seems to start either as a rich, old, white dude, or else as a poor, young, Southerner with a shaved head. Either of these is appropriate, but both are overdone; consider also being a disenfranchised minority so sick of racism that you swing in the other direction and become racist right back. If this is your position, make sure you justify it by saying it’s not racist if it’s against the commonly-accepted racists.

                  Make sure you start your racism at home. Teach your children that everything about your chosen scapegoat is wrong, entirely opposite from whatever you are. If you’re light-skinned, they’re all dark, and vice versa. If you’re rich, they’re all poor and envious of your riches; if you’re all poor, they’re hogging the money and laughing at you over cognac and cigars. If you speak English, none of them do—or, perhaps worse, they do, but mangle it so much that it hardly counts as a language at all. Make sure your children know that it’s okay to call anyone they see from this group by the worst names given to them, and that there’s a difference between people of that group and people who are that word, but only ever use that word to refer to them. Make sure they know that you and they are not racist; you have lots of friends who are from that group.

                  In the business world, or whatever counts as the business world for you, make sure you consider yourself smarter and more capable than anyone else from outside your own color and socio-economic niche. If you work in HR, call the people for interviews who have names that sound like yours, not like the objectionables in your favorite Other. Make sure that you hire them, first, then only hire the least objectionable ones to reach the quota for being non-discriminatory. These should be the ones closest to you in skin tone, vocal habits, education and goals. Bonus points if you pay them less, skip them for promotions, give less credence to their ideas and concerns, and work them more hours than everyone else. More points if they’re also women.

                  When voting on laws, make sure that you vote for anything that will “put them in their place”—anything having to do with how schools are bused, where community lines are drawn, which side of the tracks public funds will go to, how much community enrichment anyone will get. If you’re voting on officials, pick the ones that look like they’re from your neighborhood, and don’t worry too much about what their platform is; that’s their business, not yours. Just give your money to the one you’d like to have a beer with, the one you think is pretty, the one who looks the angriest, the one who promises you the world, regardless of their ability to actually deliver. When things go well, say it’s good that those criminals you hate didn’t win the vote; when things go poorly, make sure you tell everyone that it’s because of those people not like you, who probably rigged it.

                  If someone from the group you despise moves into your neighborhood, be sure to make it unpleasant for them. Don’t let your children play with theirs. Whisper about them when you see them in the supermarket, and don’t let them have any say in the schools. Don’t stop your kids from bullying theirs; in fact, let your kids think they’ve done well, and don’t worry about being too secret about it when you’re safely surrounded by your own cronies. Places like Facebook and Twitter are good places to talk about how you stood up for your rights by beating someone up. Engage in vicious flame wars with anyone who says otherwise.

                  Make sure no one around you talks about race except on your terms. No one can understand what you’ve been through anyway, so it’s just not worth the effort to try to find common ground. If someone tries to be reasonable, to engage you, fight back with everything you have, and don’t worry too much about making sense. Reason has nothing to do with race, religion or politics, and relying on reason is obviously a show of hoity-toity-ness, trying to be better than everyone else. Keep repeating yourself until they give up. Only listen to the opinions of people whose opinions match yours. Be sure to believe every single slur you ever hear, but to disbelieve anything bad about people like you. The only people who understand you are people like you, but no one can understand your struggle, so you may as well only be happy when everyone is agreeing with you, and not think too much about it. It’ll only make your head hurt. You lose points for seeing something from someone else’s point of view.

                  Make assumptions about everyone you see. People aren’t nearly as complicated as they want you to think, but you know the truth: everyone who has that skin color acts the same way, everyone who lives in that neighborhood has the same situation, everyone who shops at that place is practically the same person as that one who insulted you that time. Make sure that you know better than everyone else about what these people all want, and be sure to keep up on all the current threats to your own life, liberty and happiness. Those Others are always trying to take it away from you, one way or another, and there’s no such thing as “enough to go around”. Understand that “equality” is code for “being better than those people who previously were better than us, so that it’s our turn to stomp on them for a while”. Fight with all your might for the right to keep stomping on them, and tell them that they’re out of order if they try to point out that what you’re doing is anything but fair.

                  Using these guidelines, you, too, can be a card-carrying, everyone-hating, narrow-minded racist. Especially in the current political and social climate, it’s the best way to go.

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